My lessons in self-kindness
Mom yelling at the top of her voice. Do you have any plans of getting up this morning? Shall I make you breakfast? Oh! Forget breakfast, half the day is over already, you better have lunch now.
Sleepless nights, imperfect mornings, and constant snubbing from my mom—this was my new lifestyle. I was numb towards everything happening around. The only thing I did was constantly calculate and analyse what went wrong? Where did I not give my best that pushed me to this day? All these questions used to hover around my mind every now and then. I was in a loop, a loop that made me question my self-worth, my confidence, and even my existence.
One fine day my mom overheard me. She caught me crying. I’ll say crying because I don’t know how to describe the frightful condition of my room with books lying on floor, pillows torn apart. How can I pen down the moment when I picked up a blade and placed it on my already trembling left wrist? I don’t know how to make you visualise my swollen eyes and my rotten thoughts. So yes, she just heard me Crying. She sat beside me and waited patiently for me to calm down.
When I didn’t, she pulled me closer and hugged me tight. Before I could say a word she asked me how long Shrii? First confused and then in a wretched manner I said, maa let me be and I started walking away. She pulled me again and in a very stern voice said, how long are you going to be this way Shrii? Next two days? A week? A year? Or wait do you plan to be this way for your entire life?
But maa, I am good for nothing and no one loves me.
Then, love yourself.
And that is when my journey of loving myself started.
ALERT: to all those who think I was getting over a break-up. It wasn’t so.
According to my definition of being kind/loving oneself, one should not scrape every neuron thinking it’s all your fault. Get this straight in your head, certain things are meant to happen and they will happen regardless of what you think or do.
It means allowing yourself to make new mistakes each day and learning something new from them; to believe in the fact that you’ll make through this one fine day.
I narrated this story not to add word length to this article but to make you realise that not loving yourself enough can be dangerous.
If I need to put this simple and straight, being kind is hell important because you are responsible for yourself. You got to take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
It all begins with the belief that one fine day everything is going to fall into place. So you need to decide how long you’ll be keeping this anxiety with you. I have seen people with a less paying job, out of shape body, and no Netflix subscription happier than those who earn a handsome salary, have six pack abs, and enjoy biryani while watching Sacred Games. Perfections don’t make you fall in love with yourself. It’s when you learn to embrace your imperfections is when the magic happens.
First things first, you need to unlearn the shit people have taught you about yourself. Everyone has a voice inside their head. If that voice is mean to you or questions every good thing around you, you need to destroy it.
Talk to yourself. Be polite and humble when you have a conversation with yourself. It’s necessary. Don’t over-analyse things. Learn to accept people and situations as they are.
Start executing. Enough of talking done. Start practicing what you preach. Don’t relive your bad decisions. Made a mistake? Okay, cool. Don’t repeat that. Make a new one. Stop being a victim of your thoughts. It’s okay. Just breathe and ask yourself How long? How long will you let those thoughts overpower you? Either you or your thoughts will be on the winning side and the best part is you get to decide that.
Remember your mum didn’t raise a weak kid, a sad one may be, but not a weak one. So be the Strong kid for loving yourself is not the task of weak people. It’s takes a big bold heart and a fierce soul to do that. But you know what you already have that. So go and fall in love with yourself and fall a little harder this time. 🙂